With less than ten minutes to go before the scheduled 3pm kick-off, just under half an OHs side stood about waiting for Unter's remaining loyal footsoldiers to arrive. Without either of the practice balls that the club had heavily invested in pre-season they stood in awe of a previously unbeaten Cranleigh team running through their drills, hitting a widely impressive selection of tackle bags and modern rugby training paraphernalia. Thankfully the Cranleigh side kindly agreed to a 15 minute delay in proceedings (a good reflection of the amateur spirit of Surrey 2, more of which below) which allowed the remaining members of the team to arrive, skipper and all.

A couple of lineouts and a backs move later and Edwards kicked us off and almost immediately a complete lack of preparation was paying dividends as a succession of inspired Haileyburians threw themselves towards the Cranleigh line. 10 minutes of pressure eventually resulted in a Cranleigh infringement and DD converted a penalty from an acute angle. With the forwards on top both in the scrum and the loose from the start and Edwards and Major keeping us in Cranleigh territory we continued to play on the front foot. Some quick phase ball led to Hartley being sent clear on the left wing and after some good cover defence from the Cranleigh full-back, Edwards was on hand to barrel over from 5 metres out, carrying three opposition players with him and using every one of the extra pounds he's brought to his game this season. Unfortunately Edwards was unable to convert.

After Cranleigh put three points on the board, the OHs quickly crossed the line again in the same corner. This time Fergus, who had a fantastic debut all around the park, benefiting from some good work at the breakdown from Unters, showed some unexpected gas to outpace the opposition cover. Again the team were disappointed when Edwards failed to convert. The remainder of the first half was evenly balanced with both sides showing some strong defence. Boothy and Goose made some promising breaks and Tommo and Babyeater continued to dominate the set-piece. The only other score was another penalty for DD from distance after the opposition had, once again, demonstrated their eagerness to pull Cooper out of the sky at the lineout.

Not to be phased by his repeated freefalls, shortly after half-time Cooper was seen screaming away from a breakdown on his own. Moments later it was spotted that he also had the ball - this was good news. Hanging onto his 10 metre start for dear life Coops made it all the way to the tryline and, after Edwards finally got a kick over, OHs found themselves in a very satisfying 23-3 lead. Coincidentally this was the point in the game when the Cranleigh Villagers became vividly dissatisfied, with the scoreline, the ref, the game of rugby, their coach and pretty much anything else going. The mature response from their sibling forwards was particularly impressive.

Equally impressive was the Cranleigh captain's dedication to his team's league progress when in the second half he momentarily confused the amateur and social Surrey leagues to the Guinness Premiership. Wiseman had come on for the irrepressible Larry at half-time and shortly afterwards Nils replaced Boothy who had tweaked a hamstring. Unfortunately this meant that when Hodgey, who had a great game in the row, suffered an injury later in the half, we had no substitutes left. Our request to bring Larry back on was, as the laws permit, declined. I may be doing Cranleigh a disservice as after this they were kindly queuing up to be sinbinned and therefore bring the sides back to 14 a piece - however I fear that this was not out of a gentlemanly desire to assist. I know that in the same circumstances we would permit Cranleigh to bring a player back on and indeed will do if the circumstances arise in the return fixture. That is because ultimately turning out on a Saturday is for the enjoyment of the game at a level where, whilst winning is important, it really should be impossible to take yourself too seriously. As such we shall, at their request, be playing Old Walcoutians this week on Sunday as they could not raise a team on Saturday due to a teammates wedding - win or lose I'm sure it will be a great game played in the right competitive but social spirit we have all come to enjoy.

As it happens it didn't really matter, save that Larry is always keen for another 20 minutes. Our forwards continued to provide a steady stream of good ball and first Nils and then Goose went over for two of the best tries we'll score this season. Nils, who hit a number of razor angles, stepped past three defenders for his try and Goose took a more direct route, via a wee juggle, to hit a line off Nil's shoulder that was far too clever for the Cranleigh defence.

So, after a slow start to the season following the late-summer holiday period and a strengthening of the squad in recent weeks, things are looking sweet. What was most satisfying was returning to the Alma to find that the 2s had stuffed their oppo by even more. More of the same next week.

As it turned out we were rapidly down to 15 players and an ill Freddie who rather than face more shopping at John Lewis offered up his body to the cause.

Ruxley Lane was its usual manicured self and there was a vicious diagonal wind pushing down the slope which had older heads worrying about the 2^nd half when we would be playing uphill into the teeth of the gale. As it turned out we needn’t have worried too much. Even though we had no recognised front row, our pack was larger and considerably friskier than the opposition. OHs played a strong 1^st half of pick and drive, counter rucking and in-your-face cussedness. The result being that each breakdown seemed to leave an injured Hollowegian in its wake.

Through good support running, strong forwards work, quick taps and punching runs from the backs we rattled up a significant first half lead.  Fred bagged a brace and your correspondent snaffled a hat-trick from the back-row.

Given our dominance of the first half it was perhaps inevitable that our approach became looser and more expansive. This led to some tries further out with the wingers both scoring, Kinsley getting a hat-trick with some well-timed runs off his wing and George sneaking in at the corner. Not to be outdone by all this fancy stuff, Eamon barrelled under some bodies and over the line for a score.

The loose play did however allow Egham their moments too. Their long-haired scrumhalf ran a full 50 metres evading countless tackles to score a nice try. They scored another (less exciting) one, quick tap- penalty I think.

All in all a very pleasing performance in large parts from OHs, excellent support running, good intensity at the breakdown and good hands helping us accumulate the points. If we can keep that going and cut out the scrappiness that descended in parts of the 2^nd half then the season will be a good one.

It was a truly team performance but if I have to single out a man of the match then I’d go for Mike Brown who, in only his 2^nd match back from injury, displayed excellent work rate up front and helped secure much of the possession that allowed the rest of us the chuck it around with such abandon.

Lastly, a big well done to the new guys who turned up and impressed, see you all next week.

A glorious day for running rugby (if you were being picky you might say it was a little on the warm side for October) and a pitch with a homely, if slightly alpine, feel to it.  A perfect opportunity for the champagne runners of the elite 2s to show off a few of the moves they had practiced on the dance floor on Friday night.

Having warmed up by walking the 3.5 miles to the pitch we started by (as is the custom) introducing ourselves, before quickly forgetting what everybody was called and then spending the rest of the match calling each other the wrong name.  Unusually, there weren’t any front row boys in the team but the huge excess of flankers and centres seemed to make amends as we quickly scuppered what was (in hindsight) the best chance of Racal Decca winning by forcing them to play uncontested scrums despite having a team with at least 8 props and far and away the heaviest pack in the league.  In fact, there were even a few nervous looks in the OH ranks as the teams eyed each other prior to kick off.  In the mean time the referee said something about ELVs which no-one understood and showed off about how many people he had sent off the previous week.  It was all set up for a tough afternoon and the OH supporters club (its numbers swelled to a record breaking 4) admitted afterwards that they didn’t hold out much chance of an away win when they saw some of the behemoths facing us.

As it happened, Mungo and his shaven headed friends weren’t quite as frightening as they looked and things were going well after ten minutes as the pack, ably led by the ever ferocious Woody, got off to a strong start and got stuck into the opposition and had them trundling towards their own line despite the 3 stone a man advantage.  The backs, having got over an early fascination with dinky chips started to make that advantage count and the benefits of youth and pace began to reap rewards.  Marshaled excellently by (an initially reluctant but consistently comfortable) Andy and with some powerful running in the centres (in spite of the dubious sense of Rugby fashion that must have given the opposition some false grounds for optimism), the tries began to come.  Simple rugby reaped rewards and, despite the fluffing of a few opportunities, powerful bursts to the line from Kingsley, Rob and Dangerous resulted in a healthy 30+ point lead at half time.  The difference might have been greater if we hadn’t started to become slightly careless in the offload and if the referee had been a little bit more generous with a flat pass (given as forward) which would have resulted in a rare and frankly spectacular try for… me (actually) after a dazzling display of quick hands and smart off loading by a rampant pack.

Unsurprisingly, no-one wanted to come off at half time although Hulmey gallantly stepped up into the forwards to experience a bit of graft.  Kingsley and Dangerous continued to notch up tries (taking their respective tallies to 7 and 6 in the last two games) as our dominant back-line continued to prosper.  Nevertheless, the champagne moment must surely be the delicately weighted chip and excellent chase down the right hand touch-line that almost led to a try before the coup de gras was administered from the subsequent scrum by the rampaging man of the match at No.8, Hugh.  In days gone by, injuries picked up by Finchy (sporting a beard that fits in well with his new image of hard running prop) and Will, might have signaled disaster, but this time fresh legs were available.  Andy started to slot conversions from the touch line, Hulmey told his opposite number that he was an “angry little man” and Woody kindly let a late tackler know what the score was as he set up the final try of the game for Dangerous (who promptly slotted a drop goal just to add salt to the wound).

The final thought of this report however must be reserved for our esteemed 1st XV captain’s not so little brother, who having singled handedly recruited half the team and after 80 minutes of hard yardage and rummaging around in the bottom of rucks was taken aside by his lovely girlfriend and told that he spent too much time lying down.  Harsh.

However, there’s nothing worse than turning up and being out numbered by OW’s supporters either, especially when they’re mouthy cabbies.  So was there much to shout about during the match?

OH’s put in a gutsy first half performance against a well organised OW’s team, both sides intent on running the ball as much as possible. Each team scored a fine try apiece in a closely fought first half DD’s back flick to Major had me choking on my Pork Pie! A player with Scottish genes showing a bit of flair. The OW response deserved their supporters cry’s of “get in my son, lovely jubbly’ and all manner of cliched football rubbish. There were ominous sighs as the half drew to a close that OW’s were beginning to make more turnovers of our ball, in rucks and mauls. But there was still much to be optimistic about when the whistle blew, we were still in it and I was hoping we could send the Cabbies home dumbstruck and silent. ( I had an OH in the back of me cab once – gloated the whole way to Heathrow).

OH’s really started to get it together in the second half and with the arrival of new prop Matt to the front row, we started to stuff them in the scrums. Unfortunately, after a ten minute spell of sustained pressure in the OW 22, we only came away with three points after blowing some try scoring opportunities. That was the turning point of the game because with it we allowed the OW’s self belief to remain intact. From then on OH’s began to fall off their tackles and OW’s made many scything breaks, resulting in some very good tries full of great support and handling. We didn’t really deserve the final scoreline and for 75 minutes showed we will compete well against any team, with coaches and training schedules. OW’s deserved their win and were full of running and skill in a free flowing game.

Nice to see Goose out of retirement for the third year running and I thought Major and (this sickens me to say) Unters put in tireless efforts all day. I think our front row isssues may be solved as Fatty Parker has threatened to be back in a few weeks time. Good luck for the season boys, it’ll be our turn next time.

And so back to the Alma, drinks, merriment and carols were enjoyed by all, even through Mrs Donaldson looked a little underwhelmed by the whole experience! Hope you've all had a good Christmas and to a former OH captain Mr Tony Greenwood - congrats on your wedding day and to a Mrs Sullivan, fingers crossed that if you do produce a son he won't have inherited his fathers handling skills!

"No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law. And by Spartan law we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and all will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it!"

After the Christmas break and the frustration of frozen pitches the OHs met at the Alma with steely determination to defend the Ruxley Lane try line and to avenge the three defeats suffered at the hands Old Cranleighans over the last two seasons.   

London Meedja 7-39 Old Haileyburians

I often look at these fixtures and internally bemoan the horrific misnomers that appear on the team sheets. For example how does a group called "Old Haileyburians", none of whom have ever even been to Hertfordshire, take on a bunch called "Cranleigh", based in the North of France? Surely the Law Society can’t have more blood suckers than our own dear club? And just how many of Old Emanuel are septuagenarian Hebrew deities anyway? So a huge hand must go to London Meedja for making good on their name. Not only had a night of snorting coke at the Groucho Club with some minor celebrities left them two men short at kick off, but they also found a place for Telegraph Columnist, former Spectator editor and sometime London Mayor Boris Johnson in their engine room. And he could tackle.

Whilst in some senses, 39-7 sounds like a resounding victory, in the most important sense we really met our match on Saturday. These weekly missives are often laden with adulation for our inadequate planning, late arrivals, lack of coaches and general shambolic demeanour, so a big hand to the oppo for sparing our blushes at kick-off and matching our lack of a tight head prop with two AWOL flankers. It’s nice to know we’re not the only amateurs left in Surrey 2.

Anyhew, 10 minutes in, and back up to 15-a-side, it became clear that, also like us, their casual demeanour hid a pretty decent side who were there for a game of rugby. Despite going 10-0 up pretty early on through a Hartley try and DD penalty, the first half seemed like a lot of hard work. Up front, our set piece was dominant, while our breakdown play was somewhat laboured and so it was unsurprising that the half finished 15-7 as we traded our push over scrum for their well worked try.

Other notable moments in the first half were few and far between although I did feel the pitch’s location under the Heathrow flightpath probably shed new light on the debate over a third runway. It was most acutely obvious when I heard the lineout call "43 57 29 stow away your tables and ensure your seats are in the upright position milk ball".

At half time Unters subbed himself and we blew them away in the second half.

I should probably stop there but there are a couple of other things that shouldn’t go unmentioned. Firstly was the discovery of James Down’s unique talent. It would seem that he is able to pass a ball backwards in clear view of all 30 players, but always make it appear forward to the only man that counts. Frustrating as this may be on a rugby pitch, his mastery of the space time continuum must surely have applications for good in the wider world and he should wait by the phone for the inevitable call from NASA.

It also saw a Donaldson breakaway try. Five years ago this would have passed unnoticed but it did come as a bit of a shock. Knowing his knee is mostly held together by a complex system of micro-robots and gaffer tape these days, many of us had forgotten he was able to run. Not fast like, but one foot in front of the other really well. Well done Duncan.

The rest of the half is a bit of a blur to be honest. There were some tries and some tackles. Some stuff happened. Er…. Tommo strained his boob (left, in case you were interested). Hmm… that’s it. That’s all I can remember.

And so to the all important man of the match. Hartley suggested it be shared by the trio of himself, Ed Davies and the Major, by virtue of being first back in the changing room, but for me there was one man above all others on Saturday. From his directions of "the ground is in Richmond somewhere" to taking himself off at half time because he couldn’t be arsed, it takes a special man to lead the OH ethos and still come out winning.

Unters gets the nod this week.

OH 10-3 Law Society

When Sonny Curtis and the Crickets (post Buddy Holly, you understand) first penned "I fought the Law (and the law won)", they can scarcely have imagined that on the 50th anniversary of the track, and many covers later (notably The Clash’s punk anthem and Goblini’s Serbian language version), that the Law would lose.

Unless you look it up on the RFU website, records are hazy as to whether this is the first loss that the Law has suffered, but seeing as we drew with them earlier in the season, from an OH point of view, it is the first loss that counts.

We had some strong omens right from the start when not one single member of either OH team made it to the Alma for the 12-o-clock meet time, but this has always been a club strength. As the captain strolled in at 12:22 we were looking fierce.

Despite the demands of the harshest winter in a couple of decades, on arrival at Fortress Ruxley it became clear that we would benefit from glorious blue skies and a pitch you could play bowls on. Crown green, not carpet. A festival of running rugby would surely ensue? Tries a-plenty?

Half time: 3-3. So not exactly a festival then. More a small gathering of people in a field. Or a couple of kids camping in a garden.

The first half was probably more notable for a ridiculous amount of chat from both sides: "M’lud" this, and "your honour" that. At various points the judge ordered a subpoena duces tecum from the two captains with threats of 10-minute custodial sentences, but with paperwork mounting and fees building up he decided to drop the case at half time.

The second half proceeded at a brisk pace with both teams having spells camped in the other’s 22, but the defining moment proved to be an OH pre-arranged back-move that actually worked. For the purposes of this report and to illustrate how often it happens we shall call the move Halley’s Comet.

With the OH lineout purring like a cat in a cream factory and the move called, Unters tipped a ball down to the Major and the moved happened. It was something of a blur but culminated in Visa running, no, slicing, no, gliding, no, oozing, no, pussing, no, weeping through the middle of the field into clear ground. He shaped right, then left, then stumbled a bit and fell over the line. Glory.

Much as the Law tried they couldn’t pull it back and so the work was done.

Curry and mini poppadoms all round. Huzzah!

So, who should we single out for the ultimate paean of praise that is "man-o-the match"? Well Visa’s little midfield excursion made him a front runner combined with some strong kick and chase and good running all round, but for wearing shorts and flip-flops in one of the coldest January’s on record he merits little more than total revulsion.

And so the fickle finger of favour alights on an altogether greater hero.

All great teams are built on a cornerstone of granite. Think Carl Hayman, Phil Vickery, and our own dear Babyeater. To this pantheon of greats add Tiny Tim. The self confessed some time tight-head (as in some time ago), more used to the rigors of back play and the smallest man on the pitch, stepped up to the plate and barely took a step backwards. Well, some steps, but not many. He mercifully metaphorically showed us the size of his balls against a much bigger front row and still found the energy to run round the pitch wailing like a banshee. Questions over his sanity will persist as long as his hopefully lifelong association at OHs.

And so finally a joke in honour of little people:

What’s E.T. short for?

Because he’s only got little legs.

Old Haileyburians 42-0 Cranleigh

As Jack Bauer would no doubt attest, a lot can happen in 40 minutes. You can watch an episode of 24 on Sky Plus (forwarding through the advertising messages), two episodes of the Simpsons (again minus the sponsored communications), you can slightly over-bake a lasagne, cook 53 Sainsbury’s own sticky toffee puddings in the microwave (650 Watt model) or, according to the national readership survey, read the average newspaper. A magazine, however, would take 10 minutes too long so don’t even think about it.

Welcome to my thrilling life.

But now we can add to that list "put on an absolutely devastating display of running rugby". In many ways Saturday’s offering could be described as the classic game of two halves, but with 42 unanswered OH gems in the first and no points at all from either side in the second, it was really a game of one half. This raises some difficult philosophical questions over whether something can have only one half. Surely the concept of "half" predicates the existence of another "half". I suppose if we take the abstract Platonist view then no mathematical figure or concept has any spatiotemporal properties, so you could make a case for an isolated half, but Logicism would seem to rebuff this adequately.

We could get a little bogged down here but if you want to explore the idea a little further you might as well start with the master, Isaac Newton’s Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica.

Anyhoo. So, those 40 minutes eh?! Phew! Would you ever?!

Clearly, as a prop, I have a deep understanding and a constant shifting awareness of the subtle intricacies of a game of rugby.  So it came as no surprise to be asked to write the first report of the season – the story of the Old Haileyburians against the Law Society.  It was a hot day and a hard pitch on which we could easily have gone astray, but didn’t.

Despite our matching t-shirts psyching out the opposition before the game, it was the Law Soc that opened the scoring with a straightforward penalty kick.  This was soon brushed aside with two powerful tries from the OH’s front row, first from Deri and second from Ferg.  It probably deserves to be said here that these were actual running scores as well, not just push-overs from 3 metres out.  Fergus even managed a second try in answer to another Law Soc penalty kick – showing again how deceptively rapid he can be for a power athlete.  And because we are such a balanced side, to take us in to half time there was some great play in the backs finished with more than a little gallic flair by OH’s very own octogenarian fullback, Goose.

Pausing at half time only to sweat and determine that more effort was needed, we continued.  Hard ground and it being the first match back began to tell fairly soon into the second half for both sides - for our part, Doug went off injured after a sterling performance and Jono Watts came on.  A penalty kick for the OH’s started the score line moving again, though it then went the wrong way as after a strong period of defence in our own half, the Law Soc went over for a try.  It was about this stage, I think, when we made some planned substitutions in the forwards – with Graham coming on for Deri and agreeing [Editor's note: agreeing = not wanting to risk the author throwing his toys from the pram] to play out of position at loosehead, and Neil Walker coming on for Andy Smith.  Another kick for us, another try from them.  And then we came back to life as a team with two tries of our own to finish up, both good efforts from the backs – the first from James Dawson and the second from debutante Adam McGloughlin. 

Running in winners at 36-18, I think we have a few things to take away.  This was an enjoyable game of sportsmanlike competition, and I thank the Law Soc for that, but we’re also going to have a couple of more vicious encounters during the season.  For this reason, and the obvious, I’m encouraged at the prospect of us having a front row and a pack that can stamp their authority into a game.  I’m also very happy to have a backline that can score the sort of tries that we managed in the first match back. 

1st XV vs London Media

6^th March 2010

It has been one of Ferg’s favourite quotes over the past month but I think we would all agree that this was a must win game, now that we find ourselves in a relegation dog fight.

I would like to start with a quote from London media “It was a game where we had them in almost all departments with the pack clearly fitter around the park” …role reversal anyone?

After a typical OH warm up we started strongly with Ferg and Deri smashing through the smallest of gaps at the side of the breakdown. George “snake hips” Armstrong took a leaf out of their book and sliced through the defence for the first score. Hartley duly missed the kick.

Some more strong play from our crash ball specialists at centre and good support from the forwards led to 3 more tries before half time, most notably from Schoie who jumped above Stu and Jonesy in the try scoring table.

The half finished with Hartley and Goose with joint lead boot honours at 2 misses a piece.

In the second Half there was no reprieve as OH played some fine champagne rugby with breaks and off loads happening at will. On one occasion Robbie H seemed to walk through the London Media pack twice before scoring under the posts. At this point “snake hips” had taken over the kicking duty and was metronomic, slotting 4/4. Hartley had taken to assaulting the morale of Media, declaring “keep it simple lads; remember they’re not very good!”

At this point Ferg wanted us to slow the games down and get some control, so we made a break, offload, offload, offload, offload, knock on…just what he asked for. But due to the utter dominance of the scrum we won the ball back and followed up with another offload, offload, offload, offload, knock on, which prompted Ferg to pass comment …”when we win the ball why do the back’s always F*@k it up?”

Final Score: OH – 53 London Media – 3. Job done.

The game started well, with some good phases until the London Media fly half after skipping a couple of tackles went under the posts to score. A little bit of a wake up call and a reminder that we had a game on our hands. The first half was a fairly even affair, though Media had the advantage of a swirling  wind at their backs, which allowed them to play for territory. They had a strong pack, that was kept under control by driving runs from, messers Unterhalter, Parker, Graham “why pass?” Wood and Eamon; and our agile “new hooker” Chalmers, Ed and Larry were usually first to the break down.

At half-time we went in 15-10 up and where we really seemed to have the edge was in the backs. We controlled the centre channels well, and our handling was just that bit quicker which gave our back 3 of Kingsley, Dangerous and Patrick the ball to make real inroads, all of whom scored in the corners. Media came back strongly, though and only some valiant defence, and off the ball antics prevented them from going over.

After a series of penalties, Fred made a covering tackle just short of the line, and with no support held onto the tackled player deliberately killing the ball and preventing a probable try. The referee however was looking to punish somebody and after witnessing Parker’s “tap-dancing” and Woody indulging in some of his own “enforcing” Fred made his first trip to the sin bin. Unfortunately for Fred, his mother arrived as he was been carded, and was informed by another spectator that he must be a very dirty player, apparently the referee wasn’t too bothered about the stamping, so he must have done something really bad! Ten minutes of explaining later Fred was back on the pitch and the OHs were 3 points better off!

After what had been a really tense match and with 15 men back on the pitch, the backs started to open up. Chalmers was held up over the line after being almost split in half by two big men.  And then in the last 15 minutes the OHs stared to move the ball wider and ran in a series of great tries to win 49-20. A very solid performance against a team that was rather better than the scoreline suggests.